How Do I Know if He is Really an Abuser?

by Mayra
(Cuba)

My mother said the way my boyfriend speaks to me is abusive. She said to get out. She said she will even help me.

But I love him and he only is like that sometimes. The other times he is very sweet, he always apologizes for his anger and then he buys me lots of gifts and takes me on fun trips.

Everyone loves him, he is charismatic and kind to everyone. All my friends wish he was their boyfriend/husband.

My mother told me that he is just like my dad. My dad is a horrible man. Very violent and angry. He beat my mother all the time. Never lay a hand on me, but I heard it from my bedroom closet.

When my boyfriend is angry, my mothers words echo in my head (and for many days after that). But as days pass everything gets better and we have a nice relationship. He is very good to me and we have fun together.

Kelly, am I stupid to stay with him? Will he be just like my dad? Is he an abuser?
What do I do?

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Hard isn't it?
by: Kelly Ann Evers

Dear Mayra, you are in a tough situation aren't you? You love him but he is abusing you (sometimes). If your mother is sees a similarity between your dad and boyfriend, I think you need to listen to your mom. From what you've written, he sounds like a

STEREOTYPICAL ABUSER:

Incident

Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/spiritual/emotional)

Tension Building

*Abuser starts to get angry
*Abuse may begin
*Breakdown of communication
*Victim works hard to keep the abuser calm
*Tension becomes too much
*Victim feels like they are walking on egg shells

Making-Up

*Abuser may apologize for abusing victim
*Abuser may feel guilty ? because of being caught or facing consequences. Abuser at this point will convince the abuse didn't happen or claims it happened another way (the victim may feel she is going crazy because of this)
*Promise it will never happen again
*Blames the victim for causing the abuse
*Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims, convinces victim it happened a different way
*Rationalizes what happened
*Avoids responsibility

Calm

*Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
*Physical abuse may not be taking place
*Buys gifts and takes her on vacations
*Convinces victim it won?t happen again
*Apologies for his "outburst"
*Promises made during 'making-up' may be met
*Victim may hope that the abuse is over
*Abuser may give gifts to victim
*Is kind and loving, even charming
*Peaceful and promises a beautiful future
*Generous and helps with kids or around the house


Do any of these sound familiar? If you are seeing these patterns in your relationship you are most likely in an abusive relationship.

Please continue to seek help. Allow your mom to help you, it sounds like she knows what she is talking about -- especially because Domestic Abuse and Domestic Violence only gets worse. The likelihood of an abuser changing their ways is only a 4% chance (and that is if ONLY they admit they are abusers, they take responsibility for what they've done, they seek city-wide help, and remain in counseling for decades!).
You deserve better!
Kelly

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