My Daughter is in a Dangerous Situation

by Helen
(UK)

My daughter just told me that her husband has been beating her for the last 9 years. She is safe now because she is staying in a battered woman's shelter. But she is trying to figure out what to do and where to go. I think she only has a few weeks left before she has to leave.

I want her to come stay with me, but I am afraid of her husband. He broke 6 bones and stabbed her this last time.

He has always been nice to me and has done wonderful things for me and my husband (when he was alive) but I am an elderly woman now, I can't defend my self. Will I be safe if my daughter comes and lives with me? I am on social security so I don't have enough money to put an alarm systems in the house. Does any one know how I can be safe?

Thank you,
Helen

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Staying Safe
by: Sharron

Dear Helen: My heart goes out to you as I am also a mother of an abused daughter who has just come out of domestic violence. My heart has been shattered in a million pieces over this.

I have got counseling for myself, read several books on domestic violence and had several sessions with a sexual assault counselor. I have learned that abusers are incredible masterful deceivers and can appear charming, personable, kind and wonderful when it suits them.

They have very distinct sides to their personality. I have supported my daughter by finding her a place to live and paid her rent for her for a limited time.

I would say no absolutely without question to having her live with me because I am not an objective outsider. If she ever decided to go back to her abuser I don't know how I would survive the trauma which has already rocked me to the core.

I believe her abuser is incredibly unsafe and I want no where near him ever. When he abused, assaulted and raped my daughter he assaulted, abused and violated me as well.

My daughter is part of me. I love her more than words can express but I have to allow her the dignity of finding her own way and respecting her choices in life allowing her to learn from the consequences which are extremely painful for me to watch.

I pray for her without ceasing and am trusting God to guide, direct and provide for her. I pray for key people to come into her life that can support her physically, emotionally and spiritually in a way that she needs.

My mental health has been seriously impaired because of this trauma. If I get ill I can't help anyone. I have to take care of myself first. As the stewardess in the plane says "Put the mask on yourself first and then your child's".

My prayers go out for both of us Helen at this extremely difficult time. No one can tell you what to do. May God guide you and direct you. God bless. With love, Sharron

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