Feeling empty after leaving an abusive relationship

by Angie
(IN)

First, I must say that I am very happy to have found this site. Last night I prayed intently for God to show me a way out of my pain.

I have only been in my relationship for 5 months and the first 4 seemed wonderful at the time. However, looking back the signs were there and I know that I chose to continue with the relationship by focusing on the good and making a mental note of the bad. One of the first signs was that I had a bad feeling that he had lied to me about his living situation and his car.

I continued with the relationship, telling myself that the truth always comes out and if he had lied, I would simply break off the relationship. As it turned out, my suspicions were true, but by the time I had hard proof, I was emotionally vested.

The first time I noticed the emotional abuse was during a time when I asked for his emotional support when my older pet became very sick and I knew that a hard choice had to be made. He became angry that I had asked him to go to the Vet with me and after his belittling and angry tirade I felt horrible that I had asked.

After that the times that he belittled me, cursed at me, and found faults with me became more frequent. Weekly in fact. He abuses alcohol and in the beginning I thought it was related to the drinking or lack of. But I know now that it is totally about control.

A few weeks ago, he became angry and pulled my hair, hurt my wrist and hit me in the face with an object. At that point, I knew that I had to break it off and that it would only escalate.

He has threatened me, tells me that his behavior is my fault, calls me names, and tells me that I need to be a better woman. He told me that he is the head and I need to listen to him, that I should step up and do the right things to keep him and should know my place as a woman. All this was said after I broke up with him.

I know that none of this is okay and I know that what he is asking of me is impossible. I know what he is asking is wrong. And I know that what he has done is abuse.

Even so, in my heart I look for his call and in some odd way have hope for change. And in some way, I keep thinking that if I had said the right thing or maybe not given him an impression that he could control me, our relationship would be what it should be. Not possible, I know that. But even so...

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Still Stuck
by: Angie

This situation continues to be a roller coaster for my emotions. He continues to contact me telling me how much he loves me asking me not to give up on him and how much I hurt him. So, I continue to have hope for change and reconciliation, and I continue to have discussions with him about how we can work on this and move forward.

Each time I allow myself hope and open myself up to the possibility, I become disappointed and hurt. We only talk on the phone, but sometimes his words are emotionally abusive.

I have kept busy, continued to work on myself, filled my life with fun activities and continue to give the situation to God. It's feels like the movie "Groundhog Day" and I keep going through the same day over and over trying new things, hoping that things will change and I can move onto the next day.

Something deep inside of me continues to have hope and keeps me hanging onto the possibility that things can change. I know that through God all things are possible and I keep trying.

On the flip side of this I know that if I truly let go and keep filling my life with good and Godly things, this will pass. So, I ask myself why I keep entertaining the thoughts and keep believing his words.

Maybe I am breaking free and it is just taking some time to accomplish that completely. Is that possible? Maybe my next post will be, "breaking free". Or "finally free".

You Are Welcome Angie
by: Kelly Ann Evers

Angie, I'm already applauding you! You are already doing great self care. That is awesome, but more so, you said no to him. That is wonderful. You are well on your way to a quicker recovery and healing from this relationship and with the Lord on your side He will find you someone so wonderful who will treat you with love and respect, and treat you with sweet-loving kindness that you deserve.
The Lord bless you Angie!
Kelly

Thank you
by: Angie

Thank you Kelly for your encouragement and insight. I know that you are right and that the way out of the emotional pain and connection that I feel to him is through positive things. I know that the way out is to fill my life is positive people and positive things and the negative will be crowded out with all the good that God has in store for me.

With that being said, he called several times last night asking me to see him. He was sweet and loving and it took everything inside of me to say "no". I continue to struggle between feelings of independence and the potential to feel joy again and the intense feelings of missing him and the hope that I had for a good future with him.

But, I remind myself that the dreams that we had and all of the talk is not possible unless a lot of change takes place first. Alcohol and abuse and his general way of thinking are not going to change quickly and may never change.

So, I am doing my best to take your advice and do things for me. I am making plans with family and friends and volunteered at a woman's shelter to help woman with computer skills. (I had volunteered a couple of weeks ago). Tomorrow is Sunday and my Church is waiting for me to return. There are so many volunteer opportunities. I pray that all of this is the lifeline I have been praying for.

I am finding this site to be uplifting and caring. There are so many resources for help and I am thankful that there is help. I pray for women everywhere who are experiencing the devastating effects of abuse. God will show us the way back to emotional health.

Caring for Yourself -- You Deserve Better
by: Kelly Ann Evers

Angie, caring for yourself comes first. You deserve better. If after 4 months of seeing harsh violence it will only get worse. You've made a wise decision to leave.

Allow yourself a "respite from him." Tell yourself that you are going to be good to yourself for the next 2 months. Think of 10-20 things you've wanted to do (big or small).
Caring for yourself examples:
Bubble bath
Go to a Movie
Buy a fun new nail polish
Call a friend and go out
Go to a pet store and play with the animals
Get involved in social activities, church events
Go to the beach...

Well you get the idea.
The reason why I am saying do things that you want to do is you will stop thinking about your ex and you will begin to see how wonderful your life really can be.

It's exciting and fun to see yourself doing things you love and doing it on your own (or with a friend or family member or co-worker).

Get involved in Church. That I highly reccomend. When you are serving God and others it lifts your spirit, you make great friends and you see that you are actually caring for yourself.

Okay my dear, go have fun taking good care of yourself and keep us updated how you are doing.
Let us applaud you on your progress!
Praying for you,
Kelly

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