Feeling very alone after separation

by Sandy

I am constantly searching online for domestic abuse help and liked your site so thought I'd reach out.

I am physically separated from my husband of three years but very much emotionally still attached to him. He is from another country and I'm American, and so last summer he moved back home when he lost his job here and when I wouldn't let him move in with me.

I am having a very difficult time dealing with regret and feeling that I am possibly losing my soul-mate, not to mention the horrible thoughts of him moving on without me or cheating on me.

The worst part of this all is that I am isolated and perhaps have isolated myself out of shame and embarrassment. He did not prevent me from seeing friends, but it was me who wanted to not see friends than have our abuse aired in public.

After I told friends of the abuse, the reactions were mixed. Some friends talked down to me and couldn't believe that I hadn't left him. Others I could tell didn't know how to react at all and simply wanted nothing more to do with the situation.

Dealing with that from my friends was very difficult, so I retreated from them all. I recently had to quit my domestic abuse counseling because I am broke.

I am a law student about to graduate, take the bar exam and feel the most lonely and isolated ever in my life. While I should be feeling excited for having earned this degree, instead I am afraid that I will slip into a depression and become more isolated.

We dated for five years total, three years married. I know the time pales in comparison to some abusive marriages, but I feel that my life is slipping away and that I am staying faithful to him for possibly hopeless reasons.

I do believe he loves me and he has many times admitted his abusive issues, but things never improved to the point I felt comfortable to live with him.

I agreed with my counselor that I would not make any decision such as divorce until I had completed my exams, which involve enough stress that I couldn't deal with any more at the same time.

But I have been in this limbo and been living separate from him on and off for almost two years now. I don't believe in dating others while separated, and I honestly don't even think I could move on even if we did divorce.

I don't really need advice, but just a friendly person to listen. It is so difficult feeling alone, even though I know millions of people are going through the same thing.

If I could ask one thing, it would be how to cope while living in limbo. I don't know how to have faith that I will love someone else as much as I love him, if we have to divorce.

I don't know how to live every day not knowing what to do, and not knowing whether I will live in regret. Although I know on some level that not letting him live with me was a wise thing to do, I also feel that I betrayed my heart in doing that.

I don't know how to come to a decision, and living in limbo is horrible. Thank you for reading this. I think it will help to read others' stories as well.

Comments for Feeling very alone after separation

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Abused Wives and Domestic Abuse Cycle
by: Kelly Ann Evers

Dear Sandy,
I remember going through the same thing as you. Losing someone (whether it's 1 year, 5 years or 25 years) it's still a loss. The pain, the wondering, the hopelessness, the wanting to go back is very normal. VERY NORMAL!

You are wise to seek help through domestic violence support groups like this and seeking a counselor. Those are the things that will help you move forward.

I agree with your counselor that making any decisions at this time (divorce) is not a wise decision. You have enough on your plate.

Finish your bar exams, take a few weeks of rest and maybe a vacation and take time to work through all your emotions.

Your loneliness will pass. And in time you will have a group of people who are supporting you.

Unfortunately, loss of friendships or awkward situations are normal when divorce and abuse is involved. Most of your friends don't understand abuse so their thing is to quickly solve your pain so they don't have to go through it with you.

I think out of everything, losing my friends and seeing the ones who stuck by me was the most troubling part. On top of it my mother died and so did my grandmother so my family was going through great loss and couldn't support me through my pain.

Ironically, they still don't understand my loss!

Anyway, Sandy, for you to be getting a law degree shows me that you are a tough gal! And you can do just about anything.

Law school is hard and doing it while going through separation is even more difficult, but somehow you are standing strong. At least moving forward :0).

And for that I applaud you. What an amazing thing to do.

Know you have a cheerleader in the background rooting you on and praying for you!

Keep us updated how you are doing!

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