I do pray, but many times I forget to pray until things go from bad to worse.
I wish I wouldn't do that. I hate to think that the only time I pray is when things get tough. I do thank God (when I remember) because I see my life is good compared to many others. But we are losing our home and my oldest son told me that he's mad at me for all the times we have left his dad -- I always went back. I don't even try to leave him any more because either I'm used to it, or I feel like I can't do it alone, and I know I will just go back.
I don't believe myself anymore and neither do my kids. Neither does the law or my own friends. I'm just a joke to everyone. I say I'm going back to school and never go. I say I'm leaving him and never leave. I say I'm gonna work hard and save money but never do. I'm starting to believe everything he says to me is true.
I don't really feel good when he's around but not scared or mad enough to leave and when I leave I feel alone and lost. I feel bad but the truth is say I believe in God, but if I did then I would believe in his words and I wouldn't be scared. I'd follow him and his ways.
You can pray but you have to believe. The truth is, I'm great with the advise but I cant take my own advise. I feel sorry for my kids for the pain they have gone through, but I am very proud of them because they are nothing like me. They are strong and out going and smart! They love me and they care about me, but I know they are frustrated and exhausted and just so mad at me.
I know how hard it is to be mad at your parents cause it took me a long time to realize I was mad at my mom for her drinking and letting herself die instead of getting better for me -- her daughter who loved her so much and needed her.
But it is too late and to me I always feel like what is the point of being mad. Unfortunately, that won't solve it. Maybe I should get mad. I know my children and I need prayer! So, yes, please pray for us!
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