I’m going to apologize in advance because this is probably going to come out sounding much harsher than I really mean, but the shame that has been consuming my soul is really starting to turn into frustration and to get my point across I know I’m going to say some things out of anger that I don’t know how to say any other way right now. I’m sorry, it’s not personal.
I’ve come back to church and am starting to find God after many years away. I went to church all through school even when I had to take myself, but after my mom and my last grandparent passed away a few months apart while I was in college I was pretty pissed at God and we hadn’t exactly been on speaking terms. When I had my son, who is now 3, I wanted to take him to church but my ex wouldn’t allow it. I finally got us out in Oct of 2010 when I got an injunction against my ex. Last year I stumbled across a group called Passages of Hope, it’s a bible study for post-abortive women to help them find healing through God. It was an amazing journey, scary and sometime painful, but it was through this group that I actually started to believe that God could love me and not just all those churchy kinds of people out there and through this I was able to forgive myself for the abortion and believe that God did too.
Ok, rewind I got pregnant somehow. Was it consensual? At that point, a month into our realationship, kind of. I had resisted and tried to say ‘no’ the first few times, but he kept pushing and I stopped bothering to try and say ‘no’. Did it feel ok? Not really, but I had no sense for what "ok" was supposed feel like anymore. I was molested in high school, I was raped in college, oh here’s the kicker I probably didn’t fight back enough or say ‘no’ the right way there either. Talk about feeling ashamed and guilty. And even with my ex, even though you could argue the sex was consensual at first there were a lot of things I wasn’t really comfortable with and same thing didn’t want to do, gave some minor resistance, but eventually would end of doing in the long run because he would let up until I did. Aside from the fact that most of it flat out hurt, A LOT. The morning after I told him I was pregnant I had to go to the ER because I was bleeding so badly. Why didn’t I stop this, why did I put up with this for almost 6 years!?!?!
Here I am today, I’m trying to find some healing, but super wary, hello shame, and not sure who or what to trust, but kind of hoping God can help me with this, cause I don’t think I’m going to find any real healing with something that God isn’t part of. I don’t know how to do this myself and I don’t know how to just figure it out between God and me. I need some guidance, I need some help. Everything that I can find though that seems to make God part of healing is all, “battered women this”, “verbal abuse that”. That sucks too, I know, been there my whole life pretty much, I can go down those various “you might be in an abusive relationship if” type checklist and check almost everything off and stuff like that has its merits, I’m not saying it doesn’t. The verbal and physical had been my ‘normal’ for so long that it took seeing something in black and white like that to get me past the, in my face of this was all there was ever going to be for me, to where I can start to listen to the little voice in the back of my mind that says this doesn’t seem quite right.
I can’t believe though that “Christian” women are only physically or verbally abused and I don’t know maybe for most women the sexual part wasn’t to the extent mine was and they can just kind of shrug it off the way I can with the physical and verbal parts. All I know is depending on the day I feel hurt or ashamed or guilty or betrayed or angry or terrified of my ex or scared to be judged. I need to find something and I think the only way I’m going to find real healing is through something that God can be a part of and this probably sounds horrible, but everything out there (I’ve found) that is church related seems to be some sugar coated version of DV that doesn’t look at the whole picture and let’s all the good churchy people feel like they like the are doing good without getting their hands dirty. And yes I know that it’s all doing some good, but I can’t be the only person like me out there either.
Again, disclaimer, this is not meant personally against you, there’s a lot that I don’t really know how to ‘explain’ and all I really have is just raw emotion. I’ve just been having a really hard time lately and don’t know what else to do, I’m frustrated, I’m exhausted, I’m hurting and with this you have a been there done that aspect without me needing to look you in the eye to say “I was molested, I was raped, I was sexually abused and I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me that this keeps happening to me.” I wasn’t even sure I could type that out. I’m sorry. I need someone to at least point me in the right direction if there’s anything out there though. Please.
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